Top Stories of 2007


By Predictus

1. George Bush flies to Iraq to assume personal command of the troops. His body is never found.


2. Dick Cheney, in his first address to the nation as President, announces that he has been a lifelong Muslim, and that his Arabic name is Osama bin Laden. His approval ratings double overnight.

3. Gerald Ford soars to the top position in the polls among Republican presidential contenders for 2008. One Ford supporter commented, “that dude ain't gonna start no wars.” The Democrats retaliate by nominating Jimmy Carter.

4. Martial law is declared on Ocean Front Walk in response to massive violations of a new L.A. ordinance prohibiting smiling.

5. Complete gridlock throughout L.A. enables the LAPD to arrest thousands for sleeping in their cars. Chief Bratton calls for 10,000 more officers to fight the new crime wave.

6. OPEC nations embargo oil to the U.S. in retaliation for its invasion of Saudi Arabia in a vain effort to restore the deposed royal family. Gasoline climbs to $10 a gallon, when you can get it. OPEC says it will lift the embargo when there is regime change and democracy in the U.S. On the up side, the U.S. leads the world in pollution reduction and bicycle sales. People become nostalgic about gridlock.

7. Los Angeles suffers a devastating earthquake. Unfortunately, it happens on the same day that Brad and Angelina announce they are separating. Most people never hear about the quake.

8. Lincoln Place tenants reoccupy their apartments as the LAPD is kept busy with citywide looting after the quake. AIMCO CEO Terry Considine agrees to sell Lincoln Place to the tenants for 1,000 gallons of gasoline. Please!

9. By late Fall, more Americans are entering Mexico illegally than vice versa. Mexican President Lopez Obrador stations troops at the border wall, which has been abandoned by immigration agents fleeing to Mexico in search of a better life.

10. China offers to buy California, “as is.” The U.S. accepts.

Posted: Mon - January 1, 2007 at 01:15 PM          


©