Kerry Concedes, West Coast Secedes
Presidential candidate’s defeat paves way
for a new country: Caliwashegon. Northeast and Upper Midwest weigh secession,
too.
by George Wolfe
After the announcement of George
Bush’s election to the presidency in 2004, the Democratic-leaning West
Coast officially broke off from the United States and formed a separate country,
to be known as the sovereign nation of
Caliwashegon.
Barbara Boxer (former
D-Calif.), Patty Murray (former D-Wash.) and Ron Wyden (former D-Ore.) led the
secession movement. Boxer matter-of-factly noted that “We did our best to
get out the vote, and it just didn’t work - so now we’re getting
ourselves out before it’s too late.” Asked by a Fox News reporter
about Kerry’s concession message urging Americans to come together as one,
without anger or rancor, Boxer said, “Heal the nation? To hell with the
nation... going to hell in a handbasket!!” after which she lunged and bit
the reporter’s ear.
Without
California, Oregon and Washington, the United States would be reduced to just 47
states. Democrats and disenfranchised independents in Republican-leaning states
gathered their belongings and began a mass exodus to join their new homeland in
Caliwashegon. The steady march of alienated citizens is being called the Trail
of Fears in light of four more years of the current administration’s
wreaking of havoc and mayhem.
The
Northeast has also been discussing the possibility of secession from the United
States, perhaps along with the Upper Midwest. So far, three plans have been
floated. The first plan posits a sovereign Northeast nation, known perhaps as
New New England. The second plan would join forces with the Caliwashegon
movement, creating a predominantly bi-coastal Blue Union of liberals and
independents. The third proposal would be for full repatriation as a colony of
England.
Speaking to the sleeper issue
which put these nation-breaking forces into motion, Cincinnati resident Sally
Steubitt defended her vote for Bush by saying, “In the end, I just
wasn’t convinced that enough people had died yet in the name of moral
values. But fortunately we now have a mandate to wash our hands of a loving
Christ, in the blood of
Iraqis.”
George Wolfe
is the editor of The LaLaTimes.
See
www.lalatimes.com for more
humor on the news.
Posted: Mon - November 1, 2004 at 05:00 PM